Thursday, 30 December 2010

R.I.P.



French model anti-anorexia ad campaign died today at 28 for becoming too emaciated. I would put a picture of the ad but it scares the hell out of me to see skin and bones. To think during the young and foolish days that it was cool to be suffering from an eating disorder. May she now rest in peace. Whatever you do, think rationally beforehand. Clearly anorexics didn't, but it's something you can't help so I have no words to do any justice.

Books, schmooks.

There is always that little voice in my head that goes "you won't get this done on time" or "this is hard to do" but those little voices know nothing of your capabilities. Take those voices as a stuck up person dissing you with every step you do, making them an enemy. It's upto you to ignore those insecurities, I suppose I try to ignore as often although it does get the best of you when you do give in. It's important to not think and just do in this scenario, picturing your objective every now and then.

After a few years of learning and observing overachievers like Kreve, the way they study is not swarming yourself in books for 30 days straight, it's selecting the important information and understanding the concept, elaborating and apply. The process may be a bit longer than the latter but she always assures us it will all be worthwhile. I'm probably just scared, weeks till exams.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Careful.

Listened to it from How I Met Your Mother Season 4 which was two centuries ago, and somehow I was singing along to the tune whilst prettying up my notes. The finale season talks about how Ted wants The One to appear quick etc. Guess songs are easier to recall and visualize, funny that. Sadly notes don't work that way. Hence when revising, I sound like a complete lunatic trying to ingrain cases into my head. Back to work now.

This song is just nice. (:



I'll be just as careful with your heart too.

Monday, 27 December 2010

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Understood.

Always hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. I suppose expecting too much shouldn't be the case. You have to be content with what's infront of you, content with the people in your life, and what keeps you going on a day to day basis. Content that you are existent which is somewhat already close to perfection.

We make mistakes which we'll learn to erase
And forgive without a trace
In time, we'll just have to see
As the last thing we want is hatred or agony
Let's start our days apart with a smile
For you, me and everybody.

-Aufa S

Sisters fo' lyf.

My sister, my saviour, my other half
The days I just cannot tolerate
And I got was a shut up
I'll never let you get away with that
Then we start putting up the fights
Mending everything in silence.

Soonafter, we'll have the apologies
Another moody day, the same process applies
Not once have we realized its repetitiveness
Until today, when you finally called it truce
And flashback on your mistakes
You're growing up so fast
I'll always look back to this day

Sometimes do listen to what I've got to say
Allow me in, then we'll try to have it your way
You can count on me,
Your sister, your shoulder and a full-time friend

- Aufa S


Sparks.

Why do Nicholas Sparks' masterpieces has to associate with death? I didn't plan to get all teary. Just finished reading the penultimate chapter of Nights in Rodanthe yesterday till the end. The plot is magical, he always has to give a gist of enigma to his ending. They are supposedly the books that keeps me going. Now I can fully focus on revision without taking longer than usual book breaks.

Next on my to read list: Message in a Bottle, after exams that is.

Happy Holidays.

It's the 25th, a public holiday! Everyone deserves a well-rested break, well not implying on myself as I am on holidays. My father is so much enjoying his looong weekend. Nonetheless, Happy Christmas to all my non-muslim friends!

I've lost all the beautiful city lights of LDN street pictures. Hoo well, there are others that are that memorable, the perfect ending to a year was when the Alihashims came to visit over the season holidays. Not that it mattered that it was an ending to a year, but we had two weeks of almost like celebration. At night, everyone would stay in including our parents and just talked the night away whilst enjoying mom's, kcits' and my gourmet meals. Imagine two weeks straight, it's like receiving a happy meal everyday. I'm glad they enjoyed our hospitality making it the highlight of year.



The departure of Dad's long-time bestie/colleague, the Alihashims.



I simply adore this kitchen and the three little rascals.

Friday, 24 December 2010

In time.

I need not all the words to depict anything right now. I don't need a thesaurus or the use of alliterations, metaphors to complicate a post or a spellchecker to correct my repetitive use of 'I' in the beginning of each sentence. I still do. I just do. I know I do.

Pieces.

I gave my heart as an offering
Moulded to your liking
Let my guard down by saying too much
Was convinced that we were meant to be
Then not only was I let down
But also the people around me
They're the ones that made me realise your sincerity
That helped me overcome my doubts initially
No other than my family.

But no one can be blamed
Maybe myself, or karma probably
For giving you a hard time at first
Guess you never know nothing about me
As a person, my qualities and traits
On how hard it would be
For someone to be apart of my life
And for me to show I care
Considering the idea of eternity
With you.

After a stern thought
I guess they'll just remain
As my fondest memories.

-Aufa S

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Spring Cleaning.

Just when I thought the arrangement of my room is perfect as it is, with everything shifted and the carpet all aligned a month ago, apparently it didn't last me two months to keep it in its state. The tendency to change its surroundings on a monthly basis and spring cleaning every two weeks is making me beginning to wonder whether I have some disorder. But all's good and happy now, now that everything's moved, maneuvered here and there, spick and span all cleaned up and vacuumed. Nothing beats the crisp of a newly arranged cleaned room. Bibi is coming tomorrow, mom made me in charge of the schedule. Finally a helping hand around the house. My room however will always be under my hands because I love it too much to keep it unattended and under someone else's care, plus it's a responsibility. It's that serene that sometimes after a long day, I look forward to go home just so I could unleash and recall the activities I did for the day. The ambiance is not much but sure is enough to capture and hold me captive. I'm sure alot of ladies feel the same way about their room, provided they're meticulous about it.

It's a quarter to four in the am and I'm still wide awake after the adrenaline rush from cleaning that is, which ended an hour ago with 'Kill' by Jimmy Eat World playing on repeat. They are Jews, geddit? Hahaha.


Good music, Dashboard Confessional.

So I was browsing through old pictures, came across the Dashboard Confessional concert folder back in 2008 that I went to in Piccadilly. The acoustic gig performance was spectacular with all my favourite tracks played live from Stolen, Don't wait, Vindicated, As Lovers Go and Hands Down! Bummer the other members of the band weren't present leaving the lead singer, Chris Carraba (below) singing with the guitar solo. Wish I had recorded the entire gig! May there be many more gigs to come, but come to think of it I may have grown out it, not grown out of Dashboard ofcourse but gigs, unless if it's Paramore then just maybe. Two members from Paramore parted anyways, making them Para'two'less, hahaha so there seem to be no chances of that happening.


Chris Carraba taking center stage

Monday, 20 December 2010

2010.

Two thousand and ten has been so kind to me
I've learned things that I never could have thought of
Nothing that money can buy
Gone through pain, sorrow, happiness and sensitivity
A little fraction but the impact is greater than meets the eye
God willing I take them positively
Syukr with everything happening to me.

Will two thousand and eleven be kind too?
A part of me can't wait for the mere possibilities
Balancing the challenges and facing life without self doubt
On top of the prominent plans and others that will never be
But there is no reason to be in balls of fury
I'm just a mere slave still seeking Your way
Don't let me go astray
As for my resolution,
It's to be a better person everyday

I just love my family <---- this line is so out, oh well :D

- Aufa S

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Parenthood.

At first, when my sister recommended Parenthood, I hated the fact that its a tale about a huge family and all the drama of their day to day lives. The fact that its a series about a family is what ticked me off. Why air a scenario so personal? I however gave it a shot, watched the first season and I was amazed. It's not the Hollywood lifestyle that is usually aired from E! channel but this series is reality, where a lot of people can relate. From the hardship the parents has to go through bringing up their kid Max with Aspergers, to a single mom who married a druggie and left her with two kids, to a stay at home dad with inconsistent contracting jobs and his attorney wife. Not to mention the battle of teenagers in their adolescent stage. All these different scenarios and at the end of the day, all try to work out everything to keep everybody happy but mind you, it's never a happy ending just the beginning to another ending. If that makes sense. Sometimes you just have to face things because "life will knock you down more times than you can possibly imagine. Just don't knock yourself down". It won't bore you if you're the family oriented kind, I suppose.

I shouldn't really be hooked watching series, not till exams are over but it can be a little getaway. What's 40 mins every now and then.

Pretty in baby blue.

This cutie is well-pampered, enough kisses and cradling to get by, fed and well-nurtured. My sister and I take turns showering her and doing its potty. While we were hurdled with Keeley, Mom warned that once we get married and have kids one day, we should not spoil her like Keeley. Mom has wishful too far ahead thinking, then we'd give that awkward eerie look assuring each other that it won't happen in the next five - seven years but I'm sure mom means well. Kids become brats if they're too pampered, there should be a balance. As for now in the process of maturing till we get to that stage, babygirl Keeley is irreplaceable with the exception to my little cousin, baby Sofia. This is why Keeley's a dime, she's so adooorable.



She turns most of my frowns upside down

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Parting.

When you love someone, you would want everything perfect and the best for the other person, even if it means painfully letting go that part of you that still has them instilled in the back of your head and heart. Love can become a reality but the rules applied is greater with reasoning. Realized that it's not a matter of whose worth the wait, sacrifices and compromises made as it does not guarantee anything. The last thing is to hope for anything right now and perpetually accept the fact.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Find the piece.

There are days you can't help but have the occasional longing for the deceased. There are days I long for all four of my grandparents. When you think of them, there's an automatic response to recite the ritual prayers and that strengthens the fact that they're gone. Been told that they're always within you and that their presence is everywhere. It's different for the deceased and living.

When you long for someone around, its like longing for a missing piece. Like searching high and low for air, knowing they're somewhere out there.

Does it ever?

Does it ever occur to you its not as easy on my side too?
Does it ever cross your mind that you are not alone?
In what right mind would it be to live dissolved in pain?
Could distancing set us at peace living?
The constant thought of your well-being,
That I would rather live with, not hyperbolically speaking.

-Aufa S

Monday, 13 December 2010

Indulgence.

A night filled with Rirah's tendency to snack, Momo's dramatic reactions and mom's addict to Romain lettuce persuading us to join crunching on it. I could use this every night of the day. It's enjoyable to spoil my little minions with cookie dough on a Monday night however I can't comprehend how much I feel like an outcast in the presence of these two since they are not exactly in their best state prior to, yeah. They were cooped up in my room, and just dazed the night away being chatterboxes while I listened like a sweetie tolerating them. What would they do without me? :p

Been a while since we had a girls' night in. Love these two minions!



You just had to.

My Hero.

Today, before cracking on work I just had to do the usual habit every month of changing bits and bobs of my room. Either that or coordinating the wardrobe or shelves. So I started off with aligning my books and sorting revision notes. As I was rummaging through a pile of irrelevant to my studies notes pile, I stumbled across a five year old piece of essay and chuckled in dismay to find that the piece was awarded a B+. My literature teacher, Mr James was just probably nice, he even nicely commented at the end of the essay, making him one of the most memorable and supportive teachers.

We were asked to write about our hero for fun. Pardon if the essay sounds kiddish which didn't feel like that five years ago. At that time teardrops managed to trickle down as I was writing it. The essay goes like...

There are millions of heroes that I adore, who achieved amazing things but no one can top my hero - my momma. Ever since I was brought into this world, full of contradictions, I was glad to know that I have my beloved parents by my side to help through thick and thin. With 'Babu' (traditional word for mom in Malay) being my first word; I knew that her love was never-ending, making her the person I want to look up to followed by my dad.

I chose my mom because she has always inspired me in multitude of ways, in taking care of me and my sister's well-being. My wrong doings were always strictly taken into account by my parents especially my mom where she would set out rules and punishments, I then realized that this is how I learn ever since I was a little girl. Every spare time she had, my mom would tell stories about her dark past to my sister and I. The dark past consists of the deceased of her mom leaving her at just eleven years old and having to nurture her three-year-old sister. Due to the death of her mother, her father remarried. Having a stepmother was diabolical especially when you have to look after your three-year-old sister and seven other siblings. With pressurizing conditions and lack of love from her father and stepmother, life was down the trough. However my mom managed to strive her way through life on her own with the sister she brought up who is now a teacher, married with two (today, three) kids. That was what I admire most, appreciating every hardship she underwent to this day.

"Money can't buy you happiness," my mom explained. Her past had an impact on this as she was never happy after her mother died. Nevertheless, she regards this feeling of giving as her joint to happiness. Giving to people in need and doing voluntary work is what she loves best. Big-hearted as she is, she'll never forget her roots/past that has taught her about life and independence. She's determined and works very hard with a talent in the business world. Her experiences have helped her to keep on striving.
I'll always admire her long stunning face, and divine curvaceous body full of brute strength.

Now that my mom has a loving family, with a caring husband and two diligent young girls, she must be the happiest woman on earth. But I know that it isn't true because the love of a mother is irreplaceable. Nevertheless, we as a family will always be there for each other and in the years to come, I want the bond between me and my mother to stay as it is as she nurtured me and my sister like no one else can, giving us self-assurance that everything will be alright. I would do anything for my mom even if it is worth risking my life. Don't even get me started during times when her daughters fall ill, it's a calamity. As I recall, the inspiring and most amazing woman in this world is my momma - my one and only hero.

Well there you go, written at the age of fourteen. It's honest and I was content to be able to write this in class, still adoring this piece until today regardless of the terrible grammar, punctuations, usage of language and also the fact that it is written in the first person. How astonishing, and what's even funny is that I never told my mom I wrote about her but I did tell her she was and still is a hero to me.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Heart's drenched in coke light.

When it comes to decision-making, it takes a whole lot of opinions before coming down to a conclusion. Either way, the mind doesn't change very often or maybe it does. The best decision makers are one that takes in from different angles and other people's viewpoints. Sometimes deciding in an instant can be risky.

Best decisions can be compared to baking. You cannot produce a marvelous cake without the help of the icing, flour, sugar and eggs. The batter in this case are people's viewpoints. Decision making is a skill but the more you do it, the better you're at it. Helps with work too, working in a bureaucratic environment with multitude of protocols is ideal just to avoid having to make many major decisions on my own but I suppose you learn in time. This is something thought about a long time ago if five years is long enough.

I can call myself indecisive when it comes to minor things like what food to eat, or where to shop, skim or low fat, the stairs or elevator but in life-changing prospects, its feedback first before concluding on my own as the last thing you want is resentment. Eat Pray Love correlates to this. Just finished watching the last 15 mins of it, took about a day. Think I paused for about 10 times but it is a good movie overall.

"Make the best possible decision by the help of others". But it's different with feelings, no one can help you decide what you can/cannot/should feel, bottom line is you cannot decide what to feel. You just do.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

EPL.

Hokay, the movie Going The Distance overall is a letdown. The storyline is not that bad as it's pretty much predictable which I'm sure plenty can relate. Just that GTD is to the extreme/no boundaries kind, not a fan of that. What's appropriate is the portrayal of the whole "if two parties are meant to be, they'll find their way in the end eventually". I suppose.

One conversation I had with my friend who recommended the movie:

M: Oh watch Going The Distance, it's good.
Me: What's it about?
M: You know, LDR.
Me: About railways?
M: HAHAHA.
Me: No seriously, like LRT/Subways?

Embarrassing. Well, I keep on forgetting they had an abbreviation for long distance. Apart from the muting, fast-forwarding prior to eye-burning scenes, I'd give it a four out of ten. Still prefer Drew Barrymore starring in 50 First Dates. 1000x better, I'll have to see that next week. 50 First Dates will never bore anyone.

Next up, Eat. Pray. Love. This one about rediscovering yourself and what you want out of life ought to be worthwhile to watch. I didn't intend to read the book anytime soon till summer so I guess I'm not cheating? It's a must winter watch this hols, according to the reviews.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Awesomenecessity.

The word report has stopped chanting/playing in my head. No more deadlines to meet. No more remorseful feeling when I'm running around because assignments are over! Well, not till the second semester commences which will be around mid-February but I'll fret about that in two weeks or so.

Series and DVDs have been waiting for me oh so faithfully. Nothing beats snuggling in a duvet, pretending it is negative Celsius degrees with a movie playing in the comfort of your own room. The movie "Going The Distance" will keep me company tonight, that's if I don't change my mind into watching something else. Hope it won't be that much of a letdown like how my other friends proclaimed it to be.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

The Thoughts.

Weird but sometimes when I'm bored I try to vision the organs in our bodies and admire its presence, be amazed by its functions. Maybe I am a tad too bored, but you know there are nights when you rather not think about anything and be grateful that you're still standing on your own two feet, around people and a cat that loves and cares for you, and mommy overloading the kitchen with junk.

So back to organ amazement, admiring the functions of the brain and heart, the lining of the muscles and how we're in power to be able to change the structure. Stick skinny maybe a bit too much, unless if I go on a water diet for forty days, do two hours, five times a week of cardio, probably only then I will be able to achieve that worn out, skeletal face which made me realise that it is not so pretty for the eyes to see. Let's stay toned, and now that Kreve is back in town, back in our arms for good, I am excited!! A dear darling elder sister that I never had is back.

More for my agenda this hols, but ofcourse it is not entirely my holidays unlike my sister, I have to study for exams in January.



Heaven/Where True Love Goes. One of my favourite song second to Maybe There's a World by Yusuf Islam. It will never get old!

Monday, 6 December 2010

You Can.

"With determination and self-assurance, there is no reason why you can't. I believe in you. Pray hard, and work hard."

Those were the words always after every phone call, emails, IM's that dad always uttered and typed out for me when I was all by myself in the other side of the ocean. And he still does say that until now. He's the man that keeps on reminding me what is best and suggests without dictating. He expects the best possible outcome in everything we undergo. Dad seems to be the kind that's laid-back but when it's future talk, it presses the cerebral.

It has hit me that I might (hopefully) will have to be apart again. I show so much interest that I do want to live by myself but the truth is, nothing beats wherever they are, with the people you love. Thinking about it now is quite silly of me as it's ages away, but I rather let it all out now than be stricken by that terrifying gutted feeling a day before my date of departure and end up crying like a mad cow. As for now, I shall live in this moment in time, with a few lights for the future. May the motivations remain sky-high till infinity and beyond.

Always hoping for the best, but expecting the worse.

Turn to me.

The usage of the phrase ohmydays reminds me so much of the teenage days I used to share with my sister. How overrated the phrase was back in London as it is overly used on the streets we used to walk on. My sister and I would just walk on the pavements by Bayswater Road, admiring the beautiful scenery and inhaling the breeze as the cold wind glistens through our hair. We would, well she would use "ohmydays" for everything from accidentally dropping a penny to falling off the sidewalk.

I miss the occasional weekend walks to Hyde park. I don't know why the gutted feeling, but it seems like I wasn't there enough for my sister back then. Just the other night she pointed out that I knew nothing of what she was upto back there, told me that I didn't bother knowing as I was busy in my own zine. The structured life/routine of staying out in school till 6pm, the gym at 7pm, back for dinner/helping out with chores around 9pm, prep for two hours and by the time it got to midnight, I cannot afford to listen to her rants because I would either be dead asleep or reading a book. However, I argued I did make time for her during the weekends, at least I think so.

Although we stayed in the same room, it did feel like we were roomies because we were just caught up in doing our own things. Now, looking at the remaining days I have left to actually be with her made me realize that yes - it's not too late to enter her world, at least try to so I could be the person she can turn to whenever. We've only got each other really.