Sunday, 28 November 2010

Care to leave a scar.

A little poem written about something that matter. Hoo my.

I do not care about the car you drive
The clothes you wear
Or the way you do your hair
I've accepted every strand of flaw
Make your sorrow my very own.

I like the way you love to argue
The way logic appeals to you
How we mould into becoming one another
As you said it would be forever
And as I drilled those words within my veins
It kills me to see it wearing thin.

Before I met you, around me were walls of gray
You brought light to my eyes
I learned to love and be selfless
Patient and kind, to also compromise.

I love you with everything
Gave my best, to be there and care
I believed it was only a matter of time
But there were ultimatums as to what we have
This in turn, leaves a dead heart beating

I'm still thankful
A journey I'll never regret and forget
It's saddening to see, thinking that we were meant to be
But you let it all slip away, not even
in a matter of a day.

-Aufa S

Bigger picture in life.

Take a painting say, as wide as a blackboard. The beauty of the painting as a whole is the pinnacle that makes the painting extraordinary. Say if you just magnify on 5cm of the painting, a small section, the beauty eradicates because you fail to see it as a whole. Magnify for the right reasons, and work your way through looking at the bigger picture but look at it as a whole first, putting the importance on major ones before focusing on the little details.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Life is not plain-sailing.

I'm opposing to everything. Fits of rage you cannot help but express. Pain, anger and other balls of emotions to top it all. Being the eldest, there is no room to lose focus. There are moments where I question, why? how? what? and when?

As for now and ever, there will always be that person that you are constantly concerned about. That you're willing to wait for, that you'll open your arms for whenever, that you'll support all the way through. If only it was so easy to lower the head a little and politely inform this.

May Allah help me regain all the strength, don't lose focus and have my priorities sorted out. Life is not plain-sailing. Alongside that, some kind of miracle for me to know that he is doing good.

Care too much that it hurts.

All over again.

Especially during times like these, you do not appreciate anyone trying to get to you, or even creep in five meters close to you, even though their intentions are to help. It is these times that you love the quietness where nothing but the air you breath in fills the air, and the click-clacking of the keyboard, ruffles of paper flying away. Being all by yourself in a secluded room is a bliss.

But having said that, you cannot stop people from coming in and out especially such loving family, as much as you want to be by yourself all round the clock. It's nice that there are remaining people that care and you can talk to. It puts me in a state of belonging. A part of me might have died, but as I look around me; I haven't lost everything and I know I'm not alone in this.

Friday, 26 November 2010

I'm fine.

That was liberating, some things hit you the hardest when you least want it to happen. They hit you like a hurricane and trickling tears follow the fall, for no apparent reason.. well maybe there are but I thought it would not affect me. That I would just build a stronger wall, and turn khnasty cold with a perfectly straight face. Apparently it's not the same process, it's not the same outcome. I don't know how to be that person anymore, at least I don't think I have what it takes to be strong on the outside and dying on the inside. There is a feeling of loss, one side of me that had died. There is absolutely no solution than to remain calm. Now that's not so much of a realist.

However, it feels liberating to get it all out in solitude because after that, you can take even more pain with ease without affecting your routines, still doesn't mean I love you any less. Dear darling friends please, don't go "are you okay?" with me because it's inevitably clear. Instead say, you can get by! or just don't question at all. If it wasn't for the person that's the opposite of myself with common grounds, the one that always has a way, I wouldn't bother to even get involved until I do achieve everything because I wouldn't have it any other way.

No matter how much I detest some opinionated ideas, that I think personally is against my kind of train of thoughts, I learned to just listen and it's not just because in the name of love.

Blog more about things that bother than things made from balls of happiness. When you're happy, you shouldn't flaunt it because it's those happy moments that are sacred whereas people in general tend to experience the same thing (not exactly) with the latter. Procrastinating has never been more dreadful. Back to Economic Environment's assignment. Bismillah.


Let's think far ahead, and set objectives. Add direction to our lives. Always keep holding on to our faith. Rational and practical, a hint of reality check. You and me. It may not be easy. If only these words were easy to utter.

Management Accounts assignment due today and it's not even printed out yet. Least the thought of 2 down and 3 more to give in is enlightening. Alhamdulillah.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

All we can do is plan.

Nothing comes easy, as much as we want it to be. Some things are hard to welcome as it is without improvising it, without amending a few set conditions. That's similar to law, precedence and negotiations. Negotiating shows how parties can go hand in hand with one, coming to an agreement where both parties are satisfied to the decision.

One thing I learned over Ramadhan and encountering with someone ultra special is that, it doesn't make you less of a person to show you love and care because everyone is capable. Everyday is unpredictable and you can't help but feel stronger to face the obstacles which doesn't mean you love a little less. It's being ready for the worst case scenario or the better days. When the times gets tough, it's still being there mentally and emotionally, the willingness to piece everything back together when things falls apart if God wills it. Whatever happens, at least I think now after years of learning from unnecessary moping is that it should not have a major impact on myself and around me so by things not in calamity that doesn't mean I love a little less. Even if you can feel everything crashing down. It's what you do with that feeling. I've learned to not mope, that there's always a lil light in the dark, keeping your objectives and foresee the possible outcome. Despite the adamant decision of jumping into the river pronto, you can become a little lost into doing anything about it but simply to pray to keep the relationship alive as all's in His hands provided your faith is sealed.

I'm starting to like Glee's cover for Paramore's "The Only Exception"


Right after a long morning of monotonousness studying, a topic about fate came up. Comical really because I was the only girl who agreed or shall I say surprisingly believes in destiny and fate, whereas the rest believe that we are the creation of fate. So if that's the case, where does God come in? Makes me wonder. I stick to my beliefs, until a better explanation comes along.

Today's class for the first time was enjoyable despite the one tone. The lecturer actually managed to get everyone to listen up (no one snoozed) and listen attentively. He discussed about the difference between a manager and a leader. Also about the drawbacks and advantages on the types of approach in a business. There are predominantly four types:
  • Autocratic
  • Paternalistic
  • Democratic
  • Lassez-Faire
Personally, although there is no correct formula but paternalistic seems to be the best option out of all. Autocratic is full of dictation, and when someone starts to dictate the end result is rebellion. A democratic approach wouldn't get tasks done in time as it's time-consuming. Lassez-Faire is just plain carefree, I-don't-care-kind of approach and will not go anywhere. I like to compare these approach to parenting, how my parents raised my sister and I. I think it is in a paternalistic manner although sometimes mom can be tad bit dictating. I don't blame her, she's got maternal instincts and practically knows what's best for us. With paternalistic it allows us to give our own opinions, but a firm agreement would be made by the leader.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Feel sleepy when it rains?

Motivation arises when you're in the company of your peers, where as I work the other way around. I work well in solitude. Just a week ago, I've been staying back with my favourite study buddies/besties and ended up doing minimal work as opposed to maximum. As soon as I arrived home, I compared how productive I am in Uni and home, I'd say there's a 40 percent difference. However, being in the company of others, there's always something more you learn everyday apart from the current knowledge you grasp from lectures. So minimal work plus discussion about work equates to maximum work because whatever we do or anything that has been done equals to maximum effort equals to maximum work, so tada... there isn't a 40% difference. I'd love to portray this an algebraic formula if I could.

Back from Uni and I've never been any sleepier. It's two wonderful rainy days filled with the desire to sleep in. Why is that when it rains we get sleepy? Saw from a lovely sister's tweets as stated below:

Taken from SR

Sunday, 7 November 2010

One weekend to remember

Early Saturday morning, I left for LCB's Miri Rainforest Trip plus Annual Dinner which I only found out about two days beforehand so my dress wasn't great as I didn't have time to properly shop and it would take at least a week or so if I were to have mine tailor made. Eventually I found a cream evening dress to wear in my overly full partial ladylike wardrobe .

When we arrived at the rainforest which wasn't all that bad, apart from the fact that it's located 30 minutes away from Miri's city centre, and jungle ambiance prone to snakebites, creepy crawlies, spooky creatures... and now I just sound like a 19-year-old dweeb, it really isn't that bad. They set us up good with great food and a pleasant atmosphere, a tad different because we were put in one room together so imagine 30 girls in one room and 30 boys in another. Upon our arrival, instead of jungle trekking, they changed the schedule to water activities due to the rain, so first up was balancing yourself with two ropes underneath and over your head over the river from I don't know how many metres away from the water itself. The demonstration seems simple but once you're up there, it was hard to even move an inch. In my case, after four little glides, I fell straight onto the water on my stomach. Felt like being slapped across the body, but it was fun! The second water activity was more or less like swinging from one point, and letting go once you're in the middle of the river, that was easy but anyone who is afraid of heights may not fancy it that much. Both activities was a once in a lifetime experience so everyone managed to have a go, including the lecturers.

Soon after the activities were done, we all got back into the hostel and only had two hours to get ready so if you've seen project runway, that's how calamity looks like. We needed to shower, get our hair done, make-up and put on our dresses all by 8pm but in the end it was worth the effort, the girlies looked pretty glammed up and guys all groomed surprisingly. The Annual Dinner then commenced and the commitee deliberated who the prom King and Queen (lol) and turned out to be our lovely Ros Azian as Queen and her brother as King so you could tell by their expression that it was adorably awkward. The party began and thankfully nothing got out of control until late at night. I left the party scene at about 11pm due to the horrible choice of discotheque music and the fact that I was half blind in the ballroom. Just wasn't much of my scene but it did release tension from my being so did everyone else as portrayed on the dancefloor.

The rest of the girls came back at about midnight close to one and throughout the night, that's where it started to become spooky which I hope not to recall where I was helpless as I could not recite most of the important surahs to read apart from reciting from the heart. I did however managed to sleep like a baby, Alhamdulillah despite screams, and chants. Practically pretty much all the girls shared one single bed together because we were too scared to sleep alone. The following day, after a wholly gourmet breakfast we were brought to the waterfall to swim. The waterfall was immensely cold, it was like bathing in a tub of ice but I swam nonetheless without thinking of hypothermia. It was a long walk to the waterfall, but worth it anyways.

After that, we got ready by noon and left for the city centre to do a few shopping. By five, it was back to Brunei. Overall, everyone found the trip worth every penny and usage of our time. Our pending assignments, due in three weeks was unheard of. I however ruined the moment by bringing it up and ended up talking to myself about it because everyone jokingly glanced away. Hilarious! What made the trip exciting was the fact that it's not often you go and travel with friends. My weekend was a ball of emotions, I needed it and I'm sure everyone else did too.

Friday, 5 November 2010


Just yesterday my sister threw fits of rage, because I said something that got to her without thinking. Tracing the previous conversation I had, it's inhumane of me to have said the word miserable to her as she just got out of a hard time. Looking at that and how it made me feel, was the crappiest feeling ever and a few hours later, I felt exactly how she felt. Hurt - in all the wrong places.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

When reality is bigger than dreams

You don't go looking, searching, heck you might not even bother and yet, things happen, circumstances change, and alterations are made. This may not apply, but I don't think I am the person I was a year ago. Sometimes you just got to adjust and balance your priorities out.

Just Darn Funny

It's funny how I can be so assertive at one point and be lost in another. It's funny how we all share the same sky. It's funny how we breath in the same air, and yet exhale different auras and vibes. It's just funny how there is no solution as to how the world works, no methodical approach or formulas (apart from guidelines from the Quran) because if there is, I'd be one of the first few to follow.

Far from perfection, far from perfection is what we have to bear in mind and accept life as it is whilst improvising it.

Barbie Schmarbie

Putting off blogging for a while as pretty much most of my days are filled with sacredness that only a pen and a lock-book can access. I'd like to think of these miniatures (secret diaries) which come in various forms as a secured mini bubble version of the world wide web. I remember back in my primary days where little girls went crazy over Barbie. We'd be ordering the products from relatives that go abroad and vice versa. Sometimes on Dad's good days, he would order a few bits and pieces from Amazon. That was how my sister and I bonded, we'd fight over who gets the most fluffier pens, who looks good in purple or pink, attires for Barbie to wear. It's such a dysfunctional cute way to bond. Sisters for life. But ofcourse now, we've grown out of times flies by.